OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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