Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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