The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
you traded sex for a burrito?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
