he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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