she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
