just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
