well I can't set my house on fire every night
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
