Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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