You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Green mimosas i think yes
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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