She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
