Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
