I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
