At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
