Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
