I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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