i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
