the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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