How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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