Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
