he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
meet me or not, i'm out of control
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
