If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I looked at my own cervix.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
