And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
