Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
