A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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