I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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