seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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