I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
