I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
