His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
