I didn't shave. On purpose
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The uberlube is also flammable
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
