new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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