I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
