An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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