that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
