My Higher Power is John Stamos
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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