You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
