wakey wakey hands off snakey
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
