If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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