I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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