I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
