She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
