the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
