Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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