I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
