got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize