It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
