I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
