a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
