I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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