Jerry, you need to find god
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
