Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
