My friends, they love my intelligence
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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