No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
