My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
