The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
