I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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