I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
