he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
