i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
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