fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
