did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
