I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
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